Isaac: "Mommy, I was really mad at Kaley today."
Me: "Why? What did she do?"
Isaac: "I said hi to her and she told me not to talk to her because I was a boy. That's mean. So I don't want any girls at my birthday party this year."
It's starting already. 1st grade. I didn't have the heart to tell him that this was only the beginning of the two decades of rejection he is likely to experience at the hands of women. But while I felt sad for his sensitive heart that is sure to be broken several times throughout his life, I couldn't help but to feel grateful that I have a son instead of a daughter. Maybe I'm just biased (since I'm a girl and all), but I think the dating world is way more brutal for women than it is for men. Maybe it's because we think with our hearts. Or because we are hard-wired to over-analyze everything that is said or done, especially where relationships are concerned. Either way, dating sucks for women.
Because it sucks so much, I took an almost 2-year hiatus to just be alone. 2 years of not worrying about whether someone is into me or just looking for a good time or a time-filler for a weekend night. 2 years of not stressing over what to wear on a date or shaving my legs every Saturday night or paying a babysitter $25 to go on a mediocre date with someone who probably wouldn't call me the next day anyway. 2 years of anti-sappy-romance and closing up my heart and mind to the charming ways of the opposite sex. It was 2 years of single bliss. Then....late last year, my sister assisted in shattering that image of a happy, solitary, man-less life. I'm almost ashamed to admit how she did this, but long story short, she made me watch Twilight. I had avoided those stupid vampire movies for 4 years and never had any intention of wasting my time watching the horrible acting skills and ridiculous story line. But with much prodding, over the course of 2 days, I watched all 5 movies in the series. As much as I still feel that the concept is pretty fricken stupid, I couldn't deny that it was a beautiful love story. I could also no longer deny that I was lonely and missed feeling excited about someone. So I recently decided to re-enter the cruel dating world with the hopes that my experiences of the past would help me to sniff out the bad ones before they once again turned me into a bitter old cat lady.
As naive and forgiving as I tend to be at times, I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at identifying red flags in someone and assigning them to a dating category. In the past 4 years that I've been in TX, I've gone out with 11 different men (some being just one date and others having turned into a dating relationship), and I've been (un)lucky enough to have experienced many different "types". So allow me to educate you on these categories and red flags.
1. The Hoover: This isn't as inappropriate as it sounds and he is quite common. The Hoover is someone who doesn't like you enough to actively pursue you but will suck you back in the second that he senses that you're catching on to this and start backing off. I've dated several Hoovers. And given my natural instinct to assume the best in someone, the Hoover Maneuver often works.
2. The Game Player: This guy is an expert player in "the dating game". The one who follows the dating rules and often makes up his own. Like the 72-hour rule - don't call her for 72 hours after a date. What?! So many people fall for this and it's straight up BS. If you like her, call her. If you don't, say so. One thing that I learned from watching He's Just Not That Into You is that if he's not calling you, he doesn't like you. And if he's not calling because he's playing "the game", you don't want to date that kind of guy anyway. We're in our 30's, not 18. You have a mere 10-15 years before you're that creepy old guy sitting at the bar trying to buy shots for younger women. Time is of the essence at this point, so fricken call her.
Moving on...
3. Stage 5 Clinger: Anyone who has seen Wedding Crashers knows what this is. For those of you who haven't, a Stage 5 Clinger is someone (usually a woman, but definitely can be a guy, trust me on this) who is extremely needy and clingy. They suffocate you with their insecure neediness. My sister likes to remind me that I was once this person in my early 20's (I disagree...maybe Stage 2 but definitely not Stage 5, just sayin'.) And until recently, I was guilty of assuming this was a "woman issue". I figured it was just a term men had for women who wanted to spend time together more than they did. I never really thought that I'd ever think of a guy as being a Clinger. I like when the person I am dating pays attention to me and texts me. However, I was set straight on this in January when I met the ultimate Stage 5 Clinger. Nice guy, super cute, very sweet, very funny and had MANNERS. A true gentleman. 4 days later, flippin' nuts. "Why aren't you texting me back (within 10 minutes)? Why don't you care about me? I love you!" Yikes! It took several days of being blatantly honest with him and finally ignoring him for him to go away. The sad thing is that I totally would've fallen for that behavior several years ago. I would've assumed he was just very attentive. But having been single for the past 2 years, it was an instant red flag and I no longer wanted or needed someone who was attached to me like a hemorrhoid.
4. The Pig: This guy is quite common, too. I've referred to several of my dates (and my friends' dates) as pigs. If someone gropes you on the first date, he's a pig. If someone says something like, "I bet you're good in the sack", he's a pig. If someone obviously stares at your boobs the whole night on your first date, he's a pig. Now, I am an open-minded person and will acknowledge that men are drawn to boobs, especially nice boobs. But a non-pig is subtle about it if he steals a peek and is able to keep the glances to a minimum. Liking boobs doesn't make you a pig. Drooling over them on the first date does. My first date after the hiatus was "The Pig". It was a set-up by a mutual friend who couldn't have known he was a pig since they had never dated. We had a lot in common and both had a crude sense of humor, therefore it should've been a match made in heaven, right? Not so much. To start, he was 17 years my senior. Our friend had thought he was in his early 40's, not late 40's. But age difference aside, the main thing that made him undateable was the fact that he did all 3 things mentioned above on the first date. Seriously... Someone who falls into The Pig category needs to learn that if he plays his cards right, he'll eventually get to see boobs, but he damn well better treat me like a lady first.
5. The Denial Dater: This guy is the ultimate time-waster. It's one thing to waste time on a date or 2 and then realize he's not a good catch or that you're not a good match, but The Denial Dater drags it out for months. He's just attentive enough to keep you interested and squash any worries about him being The Game Player or The Hoover, but he's not in it for the long haul and knows it all along. The reason for his moniker is what he does at the end of the 3 or so month relationship. He denies that the relationship ever existed. He usually says something like, "We weren't dating. We were hanging out." Or "I never told you we were exclusive." I've dated two of these and I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or punch them in the throat. I don't typically pay a babysitter hundreds of dollars over several months to "hang out" unless it's an agreed-upon Friend Zone situation. I'm good friends with a few of my past dates and that's cool. But don't wine and dine and kiss me for 90 days and then pretend we're just buds.
6. The Mirage: This guy is a chameleon. He can pretend to be whatever he thinks you want him to be and he pulls it off like a champ. Sometimes for several months. He's probably the most disappointing type of date because he makes you believe that you've found your perfect match, but it's all based on a lie. Then when you realize they are The Mirage, it's hard to leave because you've already developed feelings for this joker. Some Mirages fake a certain personality while others fake interests and hobbies. I've dated both, as have my friends. My good friend's serious (now-ex)boyfriend pretended to value his faith but wasn't sure he even believed in God, pretended to be divorced while still living with his wife and pretended to be social like she very much is, but never spoke more than a few words to her friends. My first Mirage was in 2009 when I dated "Steve" (ok, that's actually his real name...). This guy was a fake sports fan, particularly hockey. Not sure how long he thought he was going to keep up that charade, but it didn't last long. It all came to a screeching halt when he didn't care about the Stanley Cup playoffs and didn't want to watch it (the Wings were in the finals that year). Then he admitted to not caring about sports but wanting to have something in common with me. Don't screw with my emotions when it comes to my love of sports. A good test would've been to ask him what a "hat trick" is. *Hint: it doesn't have anything to do with the players' helmets.* Now, I don't want to sound shallow and give you the impression that I ended things because he didn't like sports. However, I DID fall for him based on that "mutual" love of sports. So finding out the truth kinda killed it for me. My second Mirage was in 2010 when I became engaged to someone who pretended to be independent, secure and a non-smoker. It took about 6 months for him to show me that none of that was true (well, I figured out the smoking part after 2 weeks). If he had kept up his charade for another 6 months, I would've married one of the most insecure and jealous men I had ever met. Major bullet dodged.
So that was a summary of the most prevalent dates you may encounter as a single man/woman in the crazy dating world. I'm sure these categories can apply to women as well, but they're obviously based on my experiences with the male species. The first step to a happy and successful dating life (other than just miraculously not coming into contact with the d-bags) is to identify who NOT to date. As you can see, I've already done the work for you. Lucky me. And you're welcome. :-)
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