● 2024 was the year my only child became an adult and moved 1000 miles away for college.
● The year I sold what was supposed to be my "forever home."
● The year I did something I never in a million years thought I'd do - I got married.
● It was the year I gained like 40 lbs, although it started in 2023. 😂
● The year I realized, within weeks, that I had married someone with dependency and emotional issues. There were signs in January. And April. Denial is a MFer.
It was the year the marriage I never thought I'd have, ENDED in an annulment, not by my choosing. Vows were made, but only one person was willing to stand by them, despite the BS that I didn't sign up for.
An annulment is different than a divorce in that it "voids" the marriage, makes it invalid, erases it. But it was very much real for me and it's not something that can be erased.
But...
You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
You can't help someone who doesn't think they NEED help.
You can't force someone to take accountability or see the destruction they are causing in the wake of their poor decisions.
You just have to sit back and watch the train wreck as it happens and try to pick up the pieces as best as you can, knowing that they're still sitting in the middle of their mess, unwilling to admit that they're the one who steered it right off the tracks.
On the flip side of that, there's the overwhelming regret that can suffocate you. I'm sure there were things I could have done differently (dated longer, paid attention to red flags, trusted my gut) and said differently and reacted differently in order for the outcome to not be what it was. But regret doesn't change the past. It can only help you to have a different future.
Aside from regret, there are a million other emotions I have felt since this all went down. Sadness, anger, and a big one was embarrassment. I was absolutely humiliated that I managed to see the end of a marriage in 3 months. Embarrassed that I had ignored signs and hadn't stood by my deal-breakers and had gotten myself into this mess. Deal-breakers are deal-breakers for a reason. Embarrassed that people would see me as an utter failure. I'm slowly letting go of that feeling as time passes. I did the best I could and I didn't make this choice. I don't have anything to be embarrassed about. It isn't my failure to carry.
2024 was one hell of a year, but I arrived at the end of it in one piece, although those wounds have a lot of healing to do. I have a new home that I love, even if it's not the one I had before. I've slowly turned it into a peaceful, calming space.
I have a supportive family and friends and coworkers who have helped me when I was drowning in grief and could barely function. And I have an amazing therapist who gets me, who I will probably see for a long time. 😂 I'm grateful for what I have. Life does go on.
🩵
2025 WILL be good. And it's up to me and only me to make sure of that.
I will get healthy again, eat right, move more, read more books, take more walks, breathe more, meditate, get outdoors, get on the lake again, travel... all the things I did before, but with a different perspective and outlook.
I'll find me again. And I'm determined to not lose myself again.
