I read something the other day that said that, on average, it takes 3 months for every year of your previous relationship to heal and move on. If that's the case, I have a good 5 months to go before I am remotely date-worthy and no longer damaged. But I'm coming up on the 4-month mark and I'm actually pretty proud of the progress I have made in terms of healing and coming to terms with what happened. Sharing my thoughts and feelings on my blog has helped tremendously, as have my friends, family, new job, great co-workers, and plenty of self-reflection. I still have random hard times and those usually happen around the time of a "first". First trip to a favorite restaurant without that person, first anniversary without them, approaching first summer without them. You miss the good times that come with those firsts, but the key is knowing the difference between missing the good times and missing that person. During times like these, I make myself sit down and reflect on the relationship and list the cons of still having those times with that person. Not because I only want to focus on the negative, but because thinking about the pros of the relationship isn't going to help a person heal and certainly isn't going to help them to not repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship. I'd much rather keep it real and remind myself of the absolutely crap behavior on the majority of a 5-day cruise than to dwell on the ONE afternoon of happiness. (Speaking of crap behavior, I'll get to "red flags" and "things not to tolerate" in my next blog post so stay tuned! I've added to the list since my blog post from 2013 - Guide to Happy Dating. If that one was remotely helpful for you, my next one might help, too. Just doing my part...Experiencing bad relationships so you don't have to. Consider it a Public Service Announcement. :-) )
I've also had to reflect on the meaning of that dreaded breakup word: Closure. I've always needed "closure" after a relationship ends. It means different things to different people. For me, it always meant ending on good terms. Admitting that the relationship ending was a "good" thing and mutually walking away in opposite directions with warm, fuzzy feelings of no regret or sadness. Very rarely has this ever actually happened, and it's only ever occurred after the end of a minor relationship that didn't progress. As I've grown these last few months, "closure" has become synonymous with healing and moving forward. It's no longer an ending that is nicely gift-wrapped and set on your doorstep. I was never going to have that. I wanted that, I aimed for it. But reality sets in and you come to terms with the fact that the other person doesn't want that ending and isn't going to give it to you. Some people, typically the person who caused the most damage in the relationship, don't want a nicely wrapped ending. They want anger and hostility so they feel better about it ending. So you're forced to rip the Band-aid off and form your own ending. I had to rip the Band-aid off with Isaac's dad, too, and while it took a little bit of skin off, we both survived. Ripping the most recent Band-aid off was the best decision I could've made for myself. It still stings but in 6 months, I'll be really glad I took that step. It needed to happen.
One habit I have formed over the last couple months as a form of "me-time" is watching 80's and 90's romance movies. This has been good and bad for the healing process. On a happy note, it has brought me back to my childhood and reminded me of all of those warm, fuzzy feelings I felt as a little girl or teenager as I watched couples fall in love and live happily ever after. It made me realize I still believe in love and would love to have it again someday. But the downside to these movies is that they give you unrealistic expectations of relationships from a young age. You can't compare everyday relationships with these romantic comedies because you will be highly disappointed. The only romantic comedy my life even remotely emulates is Mannequin, and only because I've dated a lot of dummies (ok, complete dumbasses). Maybe a little bit of When Harry Met Sally, but without the same ending. Pretty In Pink, but does it count if I'm Ducky in that scenario? Luckily, at 34 and with another failed relationship under my belt, I can watch my favorite movies with a little more maturity and realistic expectations. Maybe a spoonful of bitterness for good measure.
Aside from drowning myself in romantic comedies and wine/cheese nights, I've started focusing on my health a little more, physically and mentally. I'll go ahead and put it on here that I'm planning to do another 10k in September. When I publicly announce that I'm going to do something, the chances of me backing out are pretty slim. :-) So there it is. It gives me something to strive for and focus on. I recruited one of Isaac's baseball moms to run it with me so I can share my misery. Research has already been done on last year's race and it has been determined that HUNDREDS of people are way slower than I am, as shocking as that was to see. So I'm feeling confident and excited for it. One step at a time.
